


How Papyrus Saved Flavourtown

by Ononymous



Series: Christmas 2017 Stories and Requests [11]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, I Don't Even Know, Post-Undertale Pacifist Route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 22:18:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13257759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ononymous/pseuds/Ononymous
Summary: Papyrus is a special guest on Mettaton's Cooking show, but when one of the celebrity contestants go missing, everyone has to join forces to save him!





	How Papyrus Saved Flavourtown

**Author's Note:**

> Original request: "GUY FIERI vs Papyrus vs GORDON RAMSEY in the Christmas cookoff with special guest ANON, Mettaton and Dany devito as the judge"
> 
> But I don't know much about Guy Fieri, so I ended up writing around him.

"Ladieeeeees and Gentlemeeeeeen!"

The studio audience burst into cheers as their sleek metallic host made himself known.

"Welcome to a very special episode of 'Best Taste', where I, the fabulous Mettaton, judge three cooks to see which is best! Now, my guest judges today are the ever varied Anon..."

>Waving your hand at the audience. 

"And the ever irascible Danny Devito!"

"I am NOT irascible you hunka scrap metal!"

"Now then, let's introduce our contestants! From the chilly town of Snowdin, our brand new Captain of the Royal Guard, it's Papyrus!"

"GREETINGS!"

"From the home of Deep Fried Mars Bars, the Cordon Bleu Streak of cooking, Mister Gordon Ramsay!"

"Oh, for- Scotland isn't all about deep frying and haggis, you stereotyping son of a-"

"And from the ever delectable city of Flavourtown-" the audience fell silent in anticipation "- Mister Guyyyyy Fieriiiiiii!"

The spotlight shone down on the third workplace. Papyrus and Gordon looked on curiously.

"I saiiiid, Mister Guyyyyy Fieriiiiiii!"

This failed to produce him. A Whimsalot fluttered into the studio.

"Mister Mettaton, Mister Fieri's been kidnapped!"

The audience gasped. Mettaton saw an opportunity and went for it.

"Hope you enjoyed the cold opening, folks! Welcome to 'MettaCrime'! I and my celebrity friends try to solve a crime! You, cameraman two, marshal the guests and follow us!"

>"I don't think this is in the script-"

"It's called improv, Anon darling!"

The gang was soon in Guy's dressing room, looking at a note.

"'He will pay for denigrating the art of cooking.' My my, there's a lot of anger here!"

"I didn't do it you tin can!"

"Of course not, Daniel darling, I've been filming you all candidly since you got here."

>mfw

"LOOK," said Papyrus, "A CLUE!"

Everyone looked down under a chair. It was a long strip of meat twisted into a spiral, coated in breadcrumbs.

"A turkey twizzler," muttered Gordon, "there's only one chef it could be..."

* * *

"That's a load of jacksons, mate!"

>ywn understand rhyming slang

The suspect looked at Anon. The skeleton and the robot he could deal with, but they were really the weird one.

"Come on, Gordon, what makes you think it was me?"

"This goddamned twizzler Papyrus found at the scene!"

Jamie Oliver's face turned deathly pale as he broke out in a cold sweat. "God I wanna Wallace. Don't remind me of those... _things_. Wouldn't stuff 'em in me gang and mob if you paid me. And why would I kidnap Guy?"

"PERHAPS YOU ARE OUTRAGED AT HIS POPULARISATION OF BARBECUE COOKING WHICH UNDERMINES YOUR ONGOING CAMPAIGN FOR HEALTHIER SCHOOL MEALS?"

"Fair point Pap, can't say I didn't have a barn owl with him over it, everything in moderation."

"Ha! Like you Brits have a leg to stand on when it comes to cooking! All your best food is Indian!"

"Danny, darling, please! This is getting us nowhere! Mister Oliver, do you have an alibi for earlier today?"

"Sure, I was down the nuclear with me mates watching your show, they can all vouch."

Mettaton looked flattered. "Well you're in the clear! Would you care to join our quest to find Mister Fieri?"

"Yeah, alright. Sounds pukka. Not sure what I can do, though."

>Suggesting he thinks about who tried to frame him.

"Lemme look at the plate it was on." Papyrus extracted it from his phone. "Hmm, a very simple plate. Not my style. Someone here is not for frills when it comes to their Michael Winner."

The door to Jamie's living room burst open. "Mister Mettaton, another clue was found in the dressing room!"

"Fabulous!" The seven of them huddled around the tiny object.

"...AN EGG?"

Gordon took out a spoon and tapped it gently. It cracked open. "Boiled. To absolute perfection. Looks a bit boring though."

"Who the hell puts so much effort into boiling eggs right but doing nothing fancy with them?!"

"I can think of one Gooseberry Puddin'..."

* * *

"Well I can see why you would think this egg was mine, it's most exquisite, but I was busy at Marks and Sparks. My husband can prove that."

"EXCUSE ME, MRS SMITH?"

"Yes, Papyrus?" said Deliah.

"I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT _HOW TO COOK_ MADE ITS WAY TO THE UNDERGROUND, AND I FOUND IT VERY USEFUL!"

"You did? Wonderful!"

"YES, I ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO BOIL MY WATER PROPERLY WHEN COOKING SPAGHETTI NOW."

"As you should."

"YES, AND THEN WHEN THE WATER IS BOILED I PUT MY SPAGHETTI IN THE OAK CASKET TO MATURE!"

>NathanFillon.gif

"Can it, Bonesy!" yelled Danny. "Lady, it's obvious you kidnapped Guy because his flashy style of cooking clashes with your tedious one, and you want everyone to get back to basics."

"Well, Mister DeVito, you're quite correct I disapprove of flashy cooking, but Mister Fieri actually understands his basics. I met him when he accidentally turned up to the slightly dull television personality conference, and he made a perfect eggs benedict without any shouting at all."

"Oh yeah, I remember that one," said Jamie, "I took a burn when goin' to the supermarket and I saw all sorts of mildly interesting people like Deliah here. You were talking about eggs and stuff, and I said to the missus I'm glad they didn't talk about twizzlers."

"Oh, what's this," cried Mettaton, "a twist! Our suspects had contact with the victim beforehand! Perhaps the perpetrator was at that conference as well! Deliah Dear, do you recall who else was there when you were talking about eggs?"

She put a refined finger on her chin to ponder the question. "Well, there was one person. I was busy paying proper attention to Guy, but I remember... long grey hair."

Gordon smacked his mouth to his face. "Of course. That berk must have done it. Why didn't I see it sooner?"

Slow clapping rang out. Very slow, almost deliberately so. Everyone turned to face the new arrival.

"You disappoint me, Ramsay."

"Another English Idiot? What do you guys all got against American cooks?"

>not watching _Top Gear._

"WOWIE! I GOT MY CAR AFTER YOU SAID IT WAS VERY BAD. I DO APPRECIATE GOOD IRONY!"

"Oh. Erm, thank you Mister Skeleton," said James May.

"Enough of this," shouted Gordon, "where's Guy?"

"Where's Fieri? Heh heh heh..." The look of a sinister overgrown schoolboy spread on James' face. "Well, some say that he could feed the world and make it a better place, or that his cooking is the cure to seasonal affection disorder. All we know is, don't you mean _what_ is Fieri?"

A second figure entered the room. Clad entirely in white, save for the dark plexiglass of the helmet it wore.

"Oh my god, you Stigged him!"

"Thank Jezza for the idea."

"But Mister May, darling - I like your hair by the way - why brainwash a flashy celebrity chef?"

James shrugged. "Too many cooking shows these days. And it's too exciting. We need more shows about cars and engines and trains explained by slightly dull people like me. Deliah, you of all people should understand how important we are."

"Perhaps, Mister May. We provide a grounded reality for our viewers. But hopes and dreams are an important part of of us all. The likes of Mister Fieri provide that. Therefore I cannot abide your evil plan."

"Enough of this crap, May. Shut it down!"

Before he could refuse, Danny charged at Captain Slow to restrain him. But then he dodged, leaving him clutching at air.

"Remember, I'm only slow because I choose to be. Now it's time to offer you a choice. Talk about mechanical things in a mildly interesting manner, or die."

"NEVER!"

"I have to refuse, darling, flashy is my raison d'être."

"...alright, then." James May snapped his fingers, and well crafted ropes sprang from the ground and tied everyone up in meticulous knots.

"Ooh, this is an exciting climax!"

"I hope you enjoy it, Mister Robot, it's the last exciting thing you'll be part of. Now, I just need to get eight more helmets and then-"

>"This sucks."

"Silence you odd person! Hang on, where's the skeleton-?"

PING. James May collapsed to the floor.

"NYEH HEH HEH! KNOTS ARE MERE PUZZLES, AND THE GREAT PAPYRUS HASN'T MET A PUZZLE HE CANNOT BEST!" In an act of supreme justice, Papyrus tied May up with his own rope, before tending to his new friends and allies.

"Thanks, Papyrus," said Gordon, "but how the hell do we fix Guy?"

"Perhaps some sort of edible stimulation," offered Deliah."

"PARDON?"

"Give him some nosh, mate, he'll be right pukka."

"OF COURSE!"

With another jab of his phone, a plate of spaghetti appeared, and before anyone could stop him, Papyrus fed it to the solitary figure, somehow without opening his helmet. There was a cough, then a twisting movement, and Guy took his helmet off, looking like the taste was indescribable.

* * *

"AND THEN IT LOOKED LIKE HE WANTED TO THANK US FOR HELPING HIM AND THEN MAYBE COMMENT ON THE CONFLICTING WORLDVIEWS THAT LEAD TO HIS KIDNAPPING, BUT THE STIGGIFICATION PROCESS LEFT HIM SEVERELY DEHYDRATED AND HE HAD TO GO TO HOSPITAL. HE'S GOING TO RECOVER, THOUGH!"

"Dude, I know, Alph and I were watching the whole time!"

"RIVETING, NO? I CAN'T WAIT TO BE INVITED TO METTATON'S PROGRAM WHERE WE DEBATE CONTROVERSIAL POLITICAL SUBJECTS, I SHALL DEFEND THE SNOW TAX WITH ALL MY VIGOUR!"

**Author's Note:**

> Pastebin Version: https://pastebin.com/LCcASejv
> 
> Let me know what you think, and thanks for reading!


End file.
